Jesus the Righteous Judge!

We've been done wrong by people and we've done people wrong. I've had my fair share of being hurt as well as hurt people. But today I'd like share about some of the hurt that I've incurred.

I used to be quite the people's person after high school, about 12 yrs or so ago (I don't think I was that nice in high school). The house land-line phone was always ringing off the hook for me, and when I got my first cell phone, calls and texts would stream in to a point of my parents complaining, asking who these people were. I'd easily turn strangers into friends in a matter of minutes. My friend Joy and I were quite the dynamic duo, making it our mandate to meet new people, specifically local celebrities. That we did; some of who are still good friends of mine. It was then that I met a boy I liked code-word for: had a major crush on. Let's call him Mr. X. He was one of the singers in a certain Christian music group. We became friends but he never once asked me out. A year and a half down the line I decided to take matters in my own hands, call him up and tell him how I felt and assumed the girlfriend position even though he didn't respond as I'd hoped. Whoever asked me out then, I'd tell them I already had a boyfriend, and kept myself free for the day he'd ask me to be his girl. About eight or so months later he asked me to be his girl. You can imagine my delight as I was what they call 'fallen madly in love with him' code word for infatuated. Besides my family, I'd never allowed anyone to be close to me as I'd let him. Things ended after about 10 months or so, and I did not understand why. We hadn't had a fight or anything; he just stopped returning my texts and calls. By then I was also struggling with self-esteem issues (story for another day), imagine my devastation! Rejection plus low self-esteem......Kaboom!

Any guy I befriended after that was kept at arm's length, since I wasn't sure if it was something I'd done that had driven Mr. X away. I never let anyone close enough for me to get attached, or for them to hurt me.

Three years later, I happened to be on internship at a hotel in Nairobi. As I was almost done, one of the girls whose handwriting resembled mine wrote an insult on the front office handover book, insulting another girl. I did not know about it until I went back for my recommendation letter and the HR was on my case, telling me that I'd caused the insulted girl to resign.  A few weeks later I got a job that required me to travel to Dubai. By God's grace the insulted girl and I happened to be on the same flight and I made my peace with her explaining that I wasn't responsible for whatever happened. We parted ways at the Dubai airport as she rushed to board her connecting flight to the states.

A fresh start, just what I needed; in which I decided to go back to my old friendly self. No sooner had I than all hell broke loose! There was backstabbing, gossiping, lies spread about me, hurtful words exchanged etc. I'd fallen out with most people, especially those of my nationality, and hence I decided to become a lone ranger. I bought me an MP4 player and blasted off my James Morrison, Jason Mraz and Maroon 5 whenever in the staff cafeteria or in the staff bus. I shut out people, and beyond pleasantries, I had nothing much to say to anyone apart from my Mauritian best friend Mike. He stood by me no matter how much I pushed him away. I sought friendship in other nationalities but never allowed myself to be so close. I remember my Zimbabwean friend Yvonne once calling me cold-hearted, but I didn't care. I figured the less close I get to people the less the drama, and I don't need no drama! I stayed friends with her though, because she was always blunt with me, no pretense. I didn't give much thought to dating, and it didn't come as a surprise when once my boss asked me if I was a lesbian since he'd never seen or heard about me having a boyfriend. Like Joshua Harris, I'd kissed dating good bye :)

About six years later since Mr. X, I happened to be in Kenya on holiday, and we somehow got in touch through a mutual friend. It was then that I got my closure but by then I'd already built myself a wall that would ensure no one could ever hurt me again.  Back in Dubai I gave myself to earnestly seeking God, reminding myself of how it had been when I first gave my life to him. But since I'd built a wall, it affected how I related with God, my family, friends and even myself, even though I spent a lot of time reading e-books, listening to online sermons and in prayer. Three and a half years later, God summoned me to head back to Kenya, to go through school of ministry (bible school) 2011-2012 and even then I still kept people at arm's length.  But then God started teaching me that He works with relationships.

It's interesting how we think we've dealt with issues that we've gone through, just because time has passed. It doesn't only take time to heal; it takes God, time and your willingness to let him take all the hurt and replace it with His peace and joy. It was after listening to a sermon dubbed 'wounded lions need healing' by the senior pastors of the Joshua Generation Trust and reading the book, 'A cry for justice' by Shelley Hundley, that I realized that I hadn't quite dealt with the hurtful words and actions that had been done to me.

I know of people who have gone through worse: just yesterday I read a story on the Daily Nation of a girl who'd been raped by the father and rejected by the family; things that seem impossible to ever forgive or heal from. Some like the summary of my story are not categorized as serious. The beauty of it is that, God doesn't pick cases that He feels are more 'serious' and ditch those like mine that are 'not so serious'. He deals with us as individuals down to even the minutest thing that affects you as His child. He then seeks to help you come out of it victorious. He comes as the righteous judge, to avenge that which was done, and to heal and restore us!!! {Isaiah 63:4, Psalms 37:28, 98:9}

{Hebrews 10:30 AMP} "For we know Him Who said, Vengeance is Mine [retribution and the meting out of full justice rest with me]; I will repay [I will exact the compensation], says the Lord. And again, The Lord will judge and determine and solve and settle the cause and the cases of His people"

I'm not saying that you'll sleep like on an operating table, and God will cut out all your hurting and wounded areas and replace them and voila you wake up feeling like nothing ever happened (Not that He's not capable of doing so). For me it's been a process that I'm still on. A process whereby, when you allow Him to come as a judge in these areas; and He begins to deal with them, they hurt afresh. But then, He gradually takes the pain away, teaches you to forgive and let go and re-teaches you how to work with people.

Like Banning Liebscher in his sermon dubbed 'The process', I'll advice you not to rush it, but to allow God to take you through every stage of the healing and restoration process, and watch Him establish His justice in your life. He is faithful to finish whatever He begins in your life (Phil 1:6).
He will even teach you how to not hurt others yourself. Enjoy the process!!!!

It hasn't been easy but am now at a good place, enjoying this journey am in with God as I'm re-learning to love like Him, to work with different people, to invest in people etc.

On a light note, I can like India Arie say that 'I am ready for love'. Lord you can now send my, what they call 'soul mate' :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Y'all stay blessed, and let me know if my story has been of help to you. share yours too, you never know who you're liberating!